Many people have been surprised when they are seeing how distraught we are about our time with the girls coming to a close. As always, we welcome ANY questions and love being challenged to think further and deeper because of our friends and family. So one of the questions we have been (respectfully) asked is "you knew it would be like this.....right?" No. No no no no no no no.
When the girls arrived here in June, they were exactly what we expected- lonely, scared and not knowing what to be more afraid of- never being loved or allowing themselves to be loved. Of course many things have not been what we expected- some for better and some for worse. But it was all part of the package. In fact I'm pretty impressed by the things J and I have been able to handle. Either they are the easiest teens ever or we can actually handle this teen parenting thing......or a little bit of both. Because they are pretty awesome.
Anyway, you know what we didn't sign up for? You know what we didn't expect? You know what you could never prepare yourselves for? Loving two children as your daughters for two months, seeing them grow in INCREDIBLE ways, and then having the goodbye that was supposed to be a "see you later" turn into a question mark in all ways possible. I hate that they are going back there. I hate that they have to leave a home where they are safe and loved and go into a war zone with no water and very limited food just because the rules say so. I hate that the rules stay the same even though everything else has changed.
When the girls arrived here in June, they were exactly what we expected- lonely, scared and not knowing what to be more afraid of- never being loved or allowing themselves to be loved. Of course many things have not been what we expected- some for better and some for worse. But it was all part of the package. In fact I'm pretty impressed by the things J and I have been able to handle. Either they are the easiest teens ever or we can actually handle this teen parenting thing......or a little bit of both. Because they are pretty awesome.
Anyway, you know what we didn't sign up for? You know what we didn't expect? You know what you could never prepare yourselves for? Loving two children as your daughters for two months, seeing them grow in INCREDIBLE ways, and then having the goodbye that was supposed to be a "see you later" turn into a question mark in all ways possible. I hate that they are going back there. I hate that they have to leave a home where they are safe and loved and go into a war zone with no water and very limited food just because the rules say so. I hate that the rules stay the same even though everything else has changed.
So that's the ugly part of this post. I hate what's happening and as much as I hate to admit it, my faith is wavering. Not my faith in God, but my faith in His plan. I'm usually really good at the faith part until something doesn't make any sense.......and this doesn't make any sense to me.
Now for the beautiful part. We saw dolphins today.
One of my favorite games is looking at clouds and sharing with other people what you see in them. I really started paying attention to what I saw in the clouds a couple of years ago before we had any children. As I explained in the last blog, it was a long road to become a Mommy, one filled with lots of ups and downs, and lots of loss and (attempted) patience. Someone gave me a CD of a sermon regarding infertility and it was the story of a woman who could not get pregnant and while on a cruise prayed to God, if I am meant to be a Mom, please let me see a dolphin. Sure enough, she saw dolphins on that cruise and that built her faith as it was felt as God's promise to her. I thought that was amazing and while praying (talking to God) I said well I would love to you to show me dolphins too! I meant it in a figurative sense, considering there is not enough dramamine in the state to get me on a cruiseship. Anyway.....as God would have it, I felt Him direct my eyes to the sky and there was a cloud in the perfect shape of a dolphin. From then on I KNEW God would give me the desire of my heart (that HE had placed there!!) and make me a mother. Soon after I was pregnant with C and I still smile every time God sends me a dolphin.
I made several attempts at this game this week with the girls, but received alternating reactions of blank stares of confusion and the answer of "clouds". Okay, then. But tonight was different. We had our family portrait taken at the beach and on the way home I asked Julia what she saw in the cloud ahead. Quite the opposite of usual, she exclaimed "Fish! Big fish! Tail!" And I said,"dolphin?!" to which she confirmed. Once again, God showed me. Quite literally. Just when I think there is no hope He shows me that in His time He can make dolphins anywhere. No water needed.
This week has been hard. But I could not be more thankful for that dolphin. And for the symbolism of Julia recognizing it. I am going to take that as God's promise to me once again that my heart's desire to be these girls' mother will be fulfilled. In His time. In His way. Even if there is no water.