I feel like my life can be split into two categories- times I’ve lived in fear and times when I’ve lived in faith. I would love to say that I learned the difference early on and realized walking by faith makes life much better all around. But I didn’t. I’m REALLY stubborn. I will spare you all of the earlier details, but will take you back to a time about three years ago where I took the first step in living in faith without even really realizing it.
To put this into perspective, I was 28, Josh and I had been married for about a year. In that time we had both lost our (very good) jobs unexpectedly, and were living in a one room barn. We had gone from very comfortable lifestyles to wondering how we were going to put food on the table. I had also spent the last decade caring for everyone else’s children. I was so ready to move on with our lives and had visions of houses and children. I had a plan and a timetable. And couldn’t understand why nobody else was on board- not God, not Josh, nobody.
Fast forward to church one Sunday at this time and literally the last one of my nonpregnant friends announced their pregnancy that day. I honestly could have (figuratively) shot myself in the face. It just wasn’t fair. I had waited sooooooooooo long, knew I’d be a good mother, and geez louise ALL of my friends were pregnant. I was unhappy and jealous and resentful and constantly compared our circumstances to everyone else. IT JUST WASN’T FAIR.
Anyway, back to church that day. (By the way, this is not a story or time in my life I’m proud of or especially like remembering.) After this friend made her announcement I knew I had to leave the service because I was just so upset. Just at the time I stepped outside, Denise, who I barely knew at the time, saw me out there and came out to see if I was okay. I was so not okay. I explained to her that my husband was being so cruel as to get us out of debt and into a stable home before even starting to have children, which would clearly take FOREVER. My eggs would be dried up and fried by the time we paid off our honeymoon.
Back to the stairs. There I sat with Denise, spilling everything, expecting her to say what most of my friends would have, being some empathetic statement regarding wanting a baby and everything not having to be perfect before doing so. That is so not what she said. Thankfully. Instead, she said “Erica you are so blessed to have a husband that cares so much about you and your future family that he is making such careful plans. You need to have faith that God will provide you children in His time and until then you need to follow the leadership of your husband.” Ummm, what?
Don’t get me wrong, there was a moment (or two) where I thought ummm, Denise, that is not what you are supposed to say here. I’m hurting and that is so. Not. Helping. But you know what? She was SO right. I figured, heck, what I’m doing isn’t working so I might as well try something different. Our lives changed that day because someone was brave and loving enough to tell me like it was. Don’t get me wrong- there were still a lot of moments where I fought things that were not in my plan.
Like a few months later. We had miraculously (thanks to a relentless leader of a husband) paid off everything and were FINALLY ready to have a baby. Lo and behold, we were pregnant in our first month trying. You can imagine my reaction when we found out it was a blighted ovum miscarriage and lost our baby on July 14, 2012. I remember being on the phone with my Mom and she said something along the lines of God has a plan. I remember my exact words to her were “yeah but sometimes its different than my plan”. The next few months were pain filled as I relentlessly tried to figure it all out and went into Type A craziness as I wanted to be pregnant again. If you knew me at that time it was probably as long of a four months for you as it was for me.
Then finally I gave up. I decided to focus on school and leave it all up to God, thinking our only avenue to parenthood would be adoption. That was the first time in my life I remember saying okay God, this situation is hopeless and I’ve done everything I can……now I give it to you but good luck it’s a tough one.
All of 7 seconds later, I was pregnant. That was C. I was petrified of the viability ultrasound because it was so awesome being pregnant (and SICK!) that I didn’t want to know if it was over. Well our little gummy bear was just fine. In every ultrasound he was either jumping up and down or laying with his arms by his head and his ankles crossed, totally Tremblay style. Sound familiar? You can usually find him doing either of those things now.
Anyway, I learned my lesson. From then on I decided to each day walk by faith. I realized that if every day of our lives is numbered and God has perfectly orchestrated each day as part of His master plan, then what good would it do trying to plan any future pregnancies? Or most things really? Instead I started looking at each day as a gift from God to be opened and see what He had in store.
Additionally, thanks to inspiration from Karissa (Denise’s daughter! Who has also inspired this whole hosting/adoption journey!), I decided to start looking at everything as a blessing. EVERYTHING. Coming to the realization that I at the best and most have such ridiculously limited (and selfish) tunnel vision and my God knows EVERYTHING. So He probably knows a little better than me.
God so graciously illustrated this for me using tile in Gram S’s bathroom. At first glance, like life it looks like just a bunch of splattered marks, but when you step back and look at the big picture, you see a beautiful, purposeful design. Here is one of my favorite photos because it left such an impression on me:
So after C was born, since I was nursing and still am, it really wasn’t a concern. Then when having another baby became a possibility we left it up to God. Surprise, surprise, we were pregnant in the first month! Whoa!! Unlike either of the previous times, I felt complete peace going into the first ultrasound. In fact, having a hunch it was twins, I said to Josh as we were walking into the room, so lets see how many there are! And I knew for sure there were all X chromosomes in there. It was undeniable.
Now because I would be VBAC’ing so close to C’s birth, I had to find a whole new provider and hospital. Luckily I found someone I loved and he has been amazing. The first u/s was done in his office and because we planned to announce the pregnancy on Father’s Day, we requested the u/s the preceeding Friday. It showed an empty sac, but we didn’t know if it was a blighted ovum m/c (again) or if it was just too early. We went back for a second u/s two weeks later which happened to be the day before we were supposed to leave for DC to pick up the girls. The Dr. said there was still no heartbeat, so we thought that meant a blighted ovum with no developed baby. A few days later when I took a better look at the u/s I noticed a baby……actually what looked like two babies, but hey what does this ultrasound school dropout know? J
He wanted to see me 3 weeks later which was this past Tuesday. I expected him to want to rush me into a D&C and have to fight for what I felt C’s birth experience had been missing- faith in my body, patience and lack of intervention. That was actually far from the purpose of the appointment- he wanted to see where we were at with another u/s and check on me emotionaly while presenting all of my options. That u/s showed no change and he confirmed that I had saw correctly- that there was indeed a developed baby in there- but still no heartbeat. He supported me whether we wanted to do a D&C the next day or wait several more weeks (of course the exception being if any signs of infection showed). I left there feeling validated and really excited that even though it wouldn’t have the end result I’d expected, I could still get my VBAC and faith building, intervention free birth I had longed for. I knew it could still be weeks, but even being at the very end of my first trimester, I was okay with that. It was worth it. Giving my babies the respectful birth they deserved was worth all of the patience.
So this Thursday came and I knew something was starting. No pain, just…..starting. The day came and went and nothing too eventful happened. On Friday morning, the girls were still sleeping and C and I were eating my breakfast. I felt something mid-yogurt, went to the bathroom and there it was. Upon a good look, I realized it was indeed, undeniably twins. Identical twins curled up side by side in the same sac. Our two girls. They came out easily, still no pain and I was fine emotionally. We had such peace about it from the beginning and so much time to prepare.
A few hours later, things changed. I was starting to feel pain and started bleeding heavily. Like ridiculously, out of control, heavily. That’s when I posted the plea on facebook for help watching the kids because I certainly wasn’t capable at that point. Within minutes, J was on his way home from work and in the meantime, three friends and a family member arrived. THANK GOD. I never thought these friends and family of mine would be cleaning my blood covered bathroom among other things.
Things escalated QUICKLY. Within minutes, without knowing what was going on, I was in full blown labor. Ridiculous contractions ever couple of minutes that brought me to me knees screaming. This was no hypnobabies birth, let me tell you. (Speaking of, they REALLYYYY need a m/c track!!! I don’t know how people keep having babies naturally without hypnobabies!!!!)
This went on for about an hour and everyone was so helpful. Then I had a contraction that words cannot even describe and it went on for over ten minutes. I thought I was dying. Really. It just wouldn’t go away. Then I got that very distinct feeling I remembered from C’s birth of there is something coming out of me NOW. And it feels like a bowling ball. What in the world was happening to me and when would it stop?
Little did I know, B couldn’t have been closer to dialing 911 and J and A were thinking it was time I NEEDED an ER. All I could think of was what the local hospital would do to me if I went in there in this condition considering the same place had tried to take out my appendix a few months ago when I had the flu. I was NOT going there. I didn’t care.
Then I remembered a line I use as a doula quite often- it’s when you think you cant take any more that you are at the end (and usually about to meet your baby). At this point I was hot, cold, needed water, demanded juice, and then needed a bucket because I was so nauseous. Oh hey, transition, wasn’t expecting you here.
Finally, when I knew something was coming out of me right then, I ran into the bathroom and there was the placenta. And it was over. Just like that. No more pain, nothing. Just felt completely normal. I just went back into bed and went what in the world was THAT?! How does one have a complete labor and delivery experience when their babies had come out hours before?!
It turns out this is quite normal in twin miscarriages. Because the babies had stopped developing at 8 weeks, they were still so tiny and came out easily. The placenta however, was the size of a normal almost second trimester twin placenta and required full dilation to get out. Thank God I had some supportive friends tell about their own experience and forward articles because I seriously felt insane.
So while we thought it would be different, I can’t tell you how BLESSED I have been by our homebirth VBAC. I have never had more faith in my body or been more amazed by what I was capable of. It was by far the most excruciating pain I’d ever been in but wow, was it worth it.
There are just so many blessings here. Not only did I get a healing birth, but we have two perfect angel babies waiting for us in Heaven and they even get to be up there with Gram S who has never wanted anything more than them. We know their short lives have a purpose and could not be more honored to be their parents. I can’t wait to meet them one day.
I always tell my doula clients that birth always gives you what you need. In C’s birth I needed to learn surrender. Surrender to God, surrender to expectations, surrender to judgment, surrender to being unkind to myself. With this birth of Hannah and Emily, I have been given the gift of renewed faith and God’s promises.
I woke up this morning and had a crazy dream. I will save those details for another blog for another day, but something that was clear is that I needed to read Romans 8:31. I had no idea what verse that was by memory, but I knew it would be a good one if God was pointing me to it.
And here it is- the whole point of this blog and the biggest lesson I could ever learn in life “What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?” Take that in. If my God is for me, which I KNOW He is, then how can I not rejoice in all situations in each day? Rain and rainbows, it’s all blessings.
To put this into perspective, I was 28, Josh and I had been married for about a year. In that time we had both lost our (very good) jobs unexpectedly, and were living in a one room barn. We had gone from very comfortable lifestyles to wondering how we were going to put food on the table. I had also spent the last decade caring for everyone else’s children. I was so ready to move on with our lives and had visions of houses and children. I had a plan and a timetable. And couldn’t understand why nobody else was on board- not God, not Josh, nobody.
Fast forward to church one Sunday at this time and literally the last one of my nonpregnant friends announced their pregnancy that day. I honestly could have (figuratively) shot myself in the face. It just wasn’t fair. I had waited sooooooooooo long, knew I’d be a good mother, and geez louise ALL of my friends were pregnant. I was unhappy and jealous and resentful and constantly compared our circumstances to everyone else. IT JUST WASN’T FAIR.
Anyway, back to church that day. (By the way, this is not a story or time in my life I’m proud of or especially like remembering.) After this friend made her announcement I knew I had to leave the service because I was just so upset. Just at the time I stepped outside, Denise, who I barely knew at the time, saw me out there and came out to see if I was okay. I was so not okay. I explained to her that my husband was being so cruel as to get us out of debt and into a stable home before even starting to have children, which would clearly take FOREVER. My eggs would be dried up and fried by the time we paid off our honeymoon.
Back to the stairs. There I sat with Denise, spilling everything, expecting her to say what most of my friends would have, being some empathetic statement regarding wanting a baby and everything not having to be perfect before doing so. That is so not what she said. Thankfully. Instead, she said “Erica you are so blessed to have a husband that cares so much about you and your future family that he is making such careful plans. You need to have faith that God will provide you children in His time and until then you need to follow the leadership of your husband.” Ummm, what?
Don’t get me wrong, there was a moment (or two) where I thought ummm, Denise, that is not what you are supposed to say here. I’m hurting and that is so. Not. Helping. But you know what? She was SO right. I figured, heck, what I’m doing isn’t working so I might as well try something different. Our lives changed that day because someone was brave and loving enough to tell me like it was. Don’t get me wrong- there were still a lot of moments where I fought things that were not in my plan.
Like a few months later. We had miraculously (thanks to a relentless leader of a husband) paid off everything and were FINALLY ready to have a baby. Lo and behold, we were pregnant in our first month trying. You can imagine my reaction when we found out it was a blighted ovum miscarriage and lost our baby on July 14, 2012. I remember being on the phone with my Mom and she said something along the lines of God has a plan. I remember my exact words to her were “yeah but sometimes its different than my plan”. The next few months were pain filled as I relentlessly tried to figure it all out and went into Type A craziness as I wanted to be pregnant again. If you knew me at that time it was probably as long of a four months for you as it was for me.
Then finally I gave up. I decided to focus on school and leave it all up to God, thinking our only avenue to parenthood would be adoption. That was the first time in my life I remember saying okay God, this situation is hopeless and I’ve done everything I can……now I give it to you but good luck it’s a tough one.
All of 7 seconds later, I was pregnant. That was C. I was petrified of the viability ultrasound because it was so awesome being pregnant (and SICK!) that I didn’t want to know if it was over. Well our little gummy bear was just fine. In every ultrasound he was either jumping up and down or laying with his arms by his head and his ankles crossed, totally Tremblay style. Sound familiar? You can usually find him doing either of those things now.
Anyway, I learned my lesson. From then on I decided to each day walk by faith. I realized that if every day of our lives is numbered and God has perfectly orchestrated each day as part of His master plan, then what good would it do trying to plan any future pregnancies? Or most things really? Instead I started looking at each day as a gift from God to be opened and see what He had in store.
Additionally, thanks to inspiration from Karissa (Denise’s daughter! Who has also inspired this whole hosting/adoption journey!), I decided to start looking at everything as a blessing. EVERYTHING. Coming to the realization that I at the best and most have such ridiculously limited (and selfish) tunnel vision and my God knows EVERYTHING. So He probably knows a little better than me.
God so graciously illustrated this for me using tile in Gram S’s bathroom. At first glance, like life it looks like just a bunch of splattered marks, but when you step back and look at the big picture, you see a beautiful, purposeful design. Here is one of my favorite photos because it left such an impression on me:
So after C was born, since I was nursing and still am, it really wasn’t a concern. Then when having another baby became a possibility we left it up to God. Surprise, surprise, we were pregnant in the first month! Whoa!! Unlike either of the previous times, I felt complete peace going into the first ultrasound. In fact, having a hunch it was twins, I said to Josh as we were walking into the room, so lets see how many there are! And I knew for sure there were all X chromosomes in there. It was undeniable.
Now because I would be VBAC’ing so close to C’s birth, I had to find a whole new provider and hospital. Luckily I found someone I loved and he has been amazing. The first u/s was done in his office and because we planned to announce the pregnancy on Father’s Day, we requested the u/s the preceeding Friday. It showed an empty sac, but we didn’t know if it was a blighted ovum m/c (again) or if it was just too early. We went back for a second u/s two weeks later which happened to be the day before we were supposed to leave for DC to pick up the girls. The Dr. said there was still no heartbeat, so we thought that meant a blighted ovum with no developed baby. A few days later when I took a better look at the u/s I noticed a baby……actually what looked like two babies, but hey what does this ultrasound school dropout know? J
He wanted to see me 3 weeks later which was this past Tuesday. I expected him to want to rush me into a D&C and have to fight for what I felt C’s birth experience had been missing- faith in my body, patience and lack of intervention. That was actually far from the purpose of the appointment- he wanted to see where we were at with another u/s and check on me emotionaly while presenting all of my options. That u/s showed no change and he confirmed that I had saw correctly- that there was indeed a developed baby in there- but still no heartbeat. He supported me whether we wanted to do a D&C the next day or wait several more weeks (of course the exception being if any signs of infection showed). I left there feeling validated and really excited that even though it wouldn’t have the end result I’d expected, I could still get my VBAC and faith building, intervention free birth I had longed for. I knew it could still be weeks, but even being at the very end of my first trimester, I was okay with that. It was worth it. Giving my babies the respectful birth they deserved was worth all of the patience.
So this Thursday came and I knew something was starting. No pain, just…..starting. The day came and went and nothing too eventful happened. On Friday morning, the girls were still sleeping and C and I were eating my breakfast. I felt something mid-yogurt, went to the bathroom and there it was. Upon a good look, I realized it was indeed, undeniably twins. Identical twins curled up side by side in the same sac. Our two girls. They came out easily, still no pain and I was fine emotionally. We had such peace about it from the beginning and so much time to prepare.
A few hours later, things changed. I was starting to feel pain and started bleeding heavily. Like ridiculously, out of control, heavily. That’s when I posted the plea on facebook for help watching the kids because I certainly wasn’t capable at that point. Within minutes, J was on his way home from work and in the meantime, three friends and a family member arrived. THANK GOD. I never thought these friends and family of mine would be cleaning my blood covered bathroom among other things.
Things escalated QUICKLY. Within minutes, without knowing what was going on, I was in full blown labor. Ridiculous contractions ever couple of minutes that brought me to me knees screaming. This was no hypnobabies birth, let me tell you. (Speaking of, they REALLYYYY need a m/c track!!! I don’t know how people keep having babies naturally without hypnobabies!!!!)
This went on for about an hour and everyone was so helpful. Then I had a contraction that words cannot even describe and it went on for over ten minutes. I thought I was dying. Really. It just wouldn’t go away. Then I got that very distinct feeling I remembered from C’s birth of there is something coming out of me NOW. And it feels like a bowling ball. What in the world was happening to me and when would it stop?
Little did I know, B couldn’t have been closer to dialing 911 and J and A were thinking it was time I NEEDED an ER. All I could think of was what the local hospital would do to me if I went in there in this condition considering the same place had tried to take out my appendix a few months ago when I had the flu. I was NOT going there. I didn’t care.
Then I remembered a line I use as a doula quite often- it’s when you think you cant take any more that you are at the end (and usually about to meet your baby). At this point I was hot, cold, needed water, demanded juice, and then needed a bucket because I was so nauseous. Oh hey, transition, wasn’t expecting you here.
Finally, when I knew something was coming out of me right then, I ran into the bathroom and there was the placenta. And it was over. Just like that. No more pain, nothing. Just felt completely normal. I just went back into bed and went what in the world was THAT?! How does one have a complete labor and delivery experience when their babies had come out hours before?!
It turns out this is quite normal in twin miscarriages. Because the babies had stopped developing at 8 weeks, they were still so tiny and came out easily. The placenta however, was the size of a normal almost second trimester twin placenta and required full dilation to get out. Thank God I had some supportive friends tell about their own experience and forward articles because I seriously felt insane.
So while we thought it would be different, I can’t tell you how BLESSED I have been by our homebirth VBAC. I have never had more faith in my body or been more amazed by what I was capable of. It was by far the most excruciating pain I’d ever been in but wow, was it worth it.
There are just so many blessings here. Not only did I get a healing birth, but we have two perfect angel babies waiting for us in Heaven and they even get to be up there with Gram S who has never wanted anything more than them. We know their short lives have a purpose and could not be more honored to be their parents. I can’t wait to meet them one day.
I always tell my doula clients that birth always gives you what you need. In C’s birth I needed to learn surrender. Surrender to God, surrender to expectations, surrender to judgment, surrender to being unkind to myself. With this birth of Hannah and Emily, I have been given the gift of renewed faith and God’s promises.
I woke up this morning and had a crazy dream. I will save those details for another blog for another day, but something that was clear is that I needed to read Romans 8:31. I had no idea what verse that was by memory, but I knew it would be a good one if God was pointing me to it.
And here it is- the whole point of this blog and the biggest lesson I could ever learn in life “What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?” Take that in. If my God is for me, which I KNOW He is, then how can I not rejoice in all situations in each day? Rain and rainbows, it’s all blessings.